I’m writing this note to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.
I’ve been a good woman to you for 7 years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last few months have been Hell. You are never home these days, always claiming that you are under pressure at the bank and need to put in the hours. Your boss called today, and let slip that you have now quit. For me, that’s the last straw, as you never tell me your plans, are completely self-obsessed, and constantly cut me out of everything.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had had my hair done, or that I had cooked you your favourite meal and, even worse, was wearing brand new silk lingerie. You came in, pushed the food to one side, and disappeared into your study with your briefcase.
You never tell me you love me anymore, and you don’t want to get intimate. Either you’re cheating on me, or have fallen out of love with me. Whatever, I’m out of here.
Your soon-to-be ex-wife
PS – Don’t try to find me. Your brother and I are moving away to Spain together. Have a great life, loser!’
‘Dear Soon-to-be ex-Wife,
Thank you for you recent note,
It’s true that we have been married for 7 years, although I’m not sure I would go as far as to call you a good woman. I have had to bring a lot more work home recently as things are tough. Unfortunately, working in the same room as you has proved impossible because of your constant whining and griping.
I did, in fact, notice that you had fixed your hair, but I thought it made you look like a man. As I was always told to say nothing at all if you can’t say something good, I kept quiet.
And you did cook me a meal last week, but it wasn’t actually my favourite dish. You must have got me confused with my brother, as I haven’t eaten pork for over 7 years now.
Now about your new silk lingerie. I turned away from you because the $100 price tag was still on the knickers, and I was pondering the co-incidence that my brother actually borrowed $100 from me that very morning.
After all this, I still loved you, and hoped we could have worked it out. So when I won $18m on the lotto, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to travel the world. But when I got home, you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess, and I hope that you find happiness with my brother.
Your Soon-to-be ex-husband (rich as Hell, and free as a bird).
PS – Please don’t try and contact me for any kind of settlement, as I plan to spend the rest of my life travelling outside the long arm of the country’s judicial system.
Oh, and I’m not sure if you know that my brother Carl was actually born Caroline. I hope that’s not a problem for you’.